Truth is I am feeling tired, since and at 8 am in the morning! After few days I did not prepare anything for the girls for breakfast, today I am feeling all guilty and go whipped some lempeng! Lempeng je pun! Tapi lempeng kan renyah sikit kena selalu dekat dengan kuali and such. Perut dah mengeras pagi -pagi ni, Braxton Hicks! Selalu sangat Braxton Hicks ni, especially late in the afternoon.. tak tahann T_T. Made me wanna sleep pagi-pagi ni.
I actually have this nagging feeling inside me that I don't excel at work, that I don't achieve much at work. My workplace is quite the old fashioned workplace, knowing its background as one of the Islamic organisation. The culture here is that if you want to be noticed, you gotta talk your ass off. I mean seriously mencapub and talk, and talking and voicing out opinion is not something I am good at. So when I asked for an upgrade from the boss, he could not justify my performance, whom he said I did not being recognized by other Head of Division. This was 2 years ago, and after that I just don't bother to ask for it anymore. I mean for God sake, I asked for upgrading from grade 1 executive to grade 2 executive, and yet I need to impress other bosses as well. Totally unrelated. And I hate it here to have that stupid culture. I bukan nak jadi manager or some sort pun nak kena impress boss org lain, duh.
So honestly when I see my ex collagues from my previous workplace is now working with various FIs and whatnot, some in Stan Chart, RHB, EXIM etc, I have this feeling that I can actually do better than this. That I can actually earn more.
However few days ago I saw one of my ex colleague posting something on her insta story- something like pergi kerja gelap, balik kerja oso gelap-on how she is feeling guilty for the kids. Then it kinda hit me that I am actually lucky to be working 5 minutes away from my house. That I can actually see the sunlight when I leave the house for work, and I can very much see sun when I go back after work. Then I remembered that the reason I slightly changed my line of work is because I dont want to work in bank! I also dont want to work in KL - due to having small kids and all.
My pay also not so low and not so high either. Cukup la orang kata. Ada bonuses and other benefit as well. Rezeki lain pun murah. So nikmat apa yang kau nak dustakan?
But tu lah, sometimes I can't help feeling like I am in the black hole. I can't climb the wall and just gonna stuck here forever.